|babbling...good thing i changed the title after i wrote it.
||[Nov. 11th, 2003|10:41 am]
|[||How Do I Feel?
|[||The Perfect Song
|||||The Noose by: A Perfect Circle||]|
nanowrimo.org is the bestest thing ever! but if you are going to join you better do it quickly!! there are only a couple more weeks left to complete you winning work of words!! you write a fifty thousand word novel in one month. so far i have only written one time and i only got 398 words...but i am determined! i think i can do it! no one really talks to me anymore from when i was in school. that's a little upsetting. i don't feel like i really have any real friends any more. people say they want to talk but clearly don't. no one cares about a girl like me. no one. chris seems to care a lot. he has been telling me he loves me lately... i wonder. i think that he does. but is love enough to stop someone from comitting something like adultry? how can i trust someone that says they want to try... "the selection" before comitting to just one. i mean, i know wut he means by that, and how am i going to be the one to try and stop him? i have definately had me own taste of the selection. i know i love him, but it's so hard sometimes. i see it in his eyes that there is something there that might stop him if temptation were to come on to him strongly, but temptation can be a very strong feeling that is very hard to deny. sometimes im not even sure if i could defy it, at this point im pretty sure i could and would. i do love chris a lot and i don't want to lose him. losing something you love is never worth something so petty as a few minutes of pleasure. i just feel like dying when these thoughts of losing chris enter my mind. if he were ever to cheat on me... would i break up with him? could i find the understanding in my heart to forgive him? or would it just be too hard to handle for me. this cheating shit has happened to me far too many times. it hurts. it makes you feel like shit. i can't say that i've never cheated. i did on one guy, but our relationship was just a big joke at that point anyways. he was not what i wanted in a boyfriend. i think i was just lonely. sorry nick. he doesn't know to this day that i cheated...unless he ever reads this. im sorry for it, and i could feel the guilt with every thrust of the other guys pelvis. that's the only time i ever cheated tho. i never even cheated on this guy who was prohibited from seeing me. his name was jay. i never cheated on him, even after we really stopped talking all together. we made some pretty young and ignorant promises. apparently they were empty too. we promised each other to write every day. i did for a very long time. all the way until we realized how truly unfortunate our situation was. we also promised that as soon as his parents would let us talk again, we would! we really have not. not at all. nothing like we used to even before we started dating. i wish i could at least have our friendship back. wishes are just as bad as empty promises. wishes never come true anymore. it's so unfortunate.