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mm....hmm.... [Jan. 26th, 2004|11:02 pm]
[How Do I Feel? |discontentdiscontent]
[The Perfect Song |Love Buzz by Nirvana]

so yes. two people hate me. at this point im pretty sure that i know the person/group who wrote this. im sorry if i hurt you people. live and learn okay? there isn't much that can be done at this point, so okay. i accept that you hate me. "whoever" you are. i get the impression that you don't want me to know who you are...hm, what coulda made me think that? i can't help that i hurt this person. i'm not quite sure how im the one who did the hurting in the situation. but i guess that people need someone to blame. i don't know what else to say to those that hate me. sorry is all that comes to mind. if i could stop the hurting that i caused i would, trust me. but apparently i can not. there aren't any words or actions that will make you all stop hating me, or fix anything for that matter. i don't know what to do. sorry is all i can say. i wish that i never hurt him...or her for all i really know. my goal in life is not to hurt people. i've felt my freakin share of pain too. it's a part of life, but i don't go blaming people, and letting them know how much i hate them for what they did. there isn't anything else for me to do now. sorry. and if i had one wish i'd change the past. sucks for us all i guess.

p.s. if this is about who i think it's about, i was told that there was no one to blame. except the person that made the decisions to do what they did. it was a two person thing. and i am sorry to you, i hope that things work out for the best.
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hm... [Jan. 26th, 2004|02:15 pm]
[How Do I Feel? |crushedcrushed]
[The Perfect Song |something sad.]

well then. so i guess that someone hates me. they responded to my last entry as follows:
wow i hate u!

die damn whore! die!

jump off a bridge n make everyones life alot more happy! : D

i hate u...o geez i hate u!

did i menchen yet how much i hate u?

i want u dead! die whore!


very interesting. yet this person didn't leave their name. just annonymous. so yeah. someone hates me, but i don't know who. so what does it really matter to me if i don't know who you are? what was the point of letting me know you hate me if there is no name. for all i know it's just some person who fell upon my name and wanted to mess with me. i just don't understand. i kind of have my own little suspicions of who it might have been. all based upon one little word up there. "menchen". could it possibly be? is it him? could it be the one that i used to love so very much? the one who's name still makes my heart ache? the one that when i talk to him i feel guilty around my current boyfriend? i wonder. i wish that whomever it is that hates me would just fess up like a normal person and just put their name. at least then when i know who it is, i can stop hurting that person so that they don't have to feel the pain of hating me so much. wouldn't it just be better to know that i won't bother you ever again if you were to tell me your name? and if it is the one that is mentioned above... i only wish that i could know why.
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babbling...good thing i changed the title after i wrote it. [Nov. 11th, 2003|10:41 am]
[How Do I Feel? |gratefulgrateful]
[The Perfect Song |The Noose by: A Perfect Circle]

nanowrimo.org is the bestest thing ever! but if you are going to join you better do it quickly!! there are only a couple more weeks left to complete you winning work of words!! you write a fifty thousand word novel in one month. so far i have only written one time and i only got 398 words...but i am determined! i think i can do it! no one really talks to me anymore from when i was in school. that's a little upsetting. i don't feel like i really have any real friends any more. people say they want to talk but clearly don't. no one cares about a girl like me. no one. chris seems to care a lot. he has been telling me he loves me lately... i wonder. i think that he does. but is love enough to stop someone from comitting something like adultry? how can i trust someone that says they want to try... "the selection" before comitting to just one. i mean, i know wut he means by that, and how am i going to be the one to try and stop him? i have definately had me own taste of the selection. i know i love him, but it's so hard sometimes. i see it in his eyes that there is something there that might stop him if temptation were to come on to him strongly, but temptation can be a very strong feeling that is very hard to deny. sometimes im not even sure if i could defy it, at this point im pretty sure i could and would. i do love chris a lot and i don't want to lose him. losing something you love is never worth something so petty as a few minutes of pleasure. i just feel like dying when these thoughts of losing chris enter my mind. if he were ever to cheat on me... would i break up with him? could i find the understanding in my heart to forgive him? or would it just be too hard to handle for me. this cheating shit has happened to me far too many times. it hurts. it makes you feel like shit. i can't say that i've never cheated. i did on one guy, but our relationship was just a big joke at that point anyways. he was not what i wanted in a boyfriend. i think i was just lonely. sorry nick. he doesn't know to this day that i cheated...unless he ever reads this. im sorry for it, and i could feel the guilt with every thrust of the other guys pelvis. that's the only time i ever cheated tho. i never even cheated on this guy who was prohibited from seeing me. his name was jay. i never cheated on him, even after we really stopped talking all together. we made some pretty young and ignorant promises. apparently they were empty too. we promised each other to write every day. i did for a very long time. all the way until we realized how truly unfortunate our situation was. we also promised that as soon as his parents would let us talk again, we would! we really have not. not at all. nothing like we used to even before we started dating. i wish i could at least have our friendship back. wishes are just as bad as empty promises. wishes never come true anymore. it's so unfortunate.
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hey all [Jun. 3rd, 2003|02:24 pm]
[How Do I Feel? |geekygeeky]
[The Perfect Song |"Bob" by Primus]

hey everyone. im bored. i am sitting here...lol...just now having breakfast. lol. having a cup o' juice. shit...i just realized that im not on AIM...brb in a sec. k im back. lol. i have to work at 5:30. fun times, fun times. one of my ex's turned 16 a couple days ago. we are supposed to be able to talk now that he is. i don't think he wants to talk to me tho. i am pretty sure that he hates me. im not sure why. he assured me that he didn't blame me for his lovely move to CT. i don't know tho. i sometimes think he lied about it. I think that our dog is crazy. she barks at nothing sometimes. i am so excited that i am getting my new car soon! it's a '71 chevy chevelle malibu. god... when im done with it, it is going to be GORGEOUS!!! dkasljkbie i don't know wut else to write about. lol. hm... i wish that my car would be done by 4th of july. then i would sooo fucking go to hampten beach. god... that would b fucking great! holy moly... i am swearing a lot. o well. anyway. i think that it might be a sign of bordom. lol. im so done now. bye all. someone better respond to this!!! more than one person!! i hope! no one ever responds to these. it sux. dammit. shit...im done now!
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oops [Jun. 2nd, 2003|01:11 pm]
[How Do I Feel? |penitent]
[The Perfect Song |"Stupid Girl" by Cold]

i read something today that was not ment for my eyes, or anyone else's for that matter. i feel bad now. i shouldn't have read on because i knew that it was ment to be private. i couldn't help it. it was there. i had to know. im so sorry. im sure that the person knows. i feel absolutly terrible. dammit. well i don't really know wut to write about. wow...i just got the cooties. that's a little weird. well, i now have to ready myself for work. freakin fun. woopity-do-dah. anyways. i really do have to take a shower... i could b stinky or something. lol. im so weird.


i think im gonna do my name like that from now on.
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blah [Jun. 1st, 2003|02:05 am]
[How Do I Feel? |happyhappy]
[The Perfect Song |smmoooochies from chris! :-D...that's right...it's a song!]

so like today i went and seen bruce all mighty! SO FUCKING FUNNY!! me tummy b killin me. lol. it was so great. i sorry kenny for not comin on. :-D i was at da movies, and then at dennies! yayness! i had that apple thing that i was lookin at the other night. it wasn't even like....nearly as good as it seemed like it would b. i was at work today. it went by sooo fast for the first....4 hours. then it got slow. BORING!! did i mention that i losted my good work shoes so like, now i have always wear my boots! OUCHIE! well all that read this. im out. im gonna chill with my chris! hehe. HE'S BACK! yay! :-D
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blah [May. 31st, 2003|11:42 am]
[How Do I Feel? |rushedrushed]
[The Perfect Song |hm...lucy in the sky with diamonds, by the beetles]

okay...everyone is telling me to update, so i am! :-D i forget about this thing sometimes. i have to be to work in...SHIT! 15 MINUTES!! dammit...i will maybe update later....sorry guys... i apologize. lol. you people can call me too u know! i do have a phone, and if u don't have the number, ask me! geez. bye bye for now...o...and some certain person/people should visit me at work again! :-D
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this was slightly forced.... [May. 16th, 2003|11:20 am]
[How Do I Feel? |determineddetermined]
[The Perfect Song |lucy in the sky with diamonds by the beetles]

yeah...so like, kenny was mad i think kuz i didn't write in here in a long time. lol. o kenny is so funny. he thinks we are not ment to talk....i think he's wrong. i luv kenny too much for us not to be supposed to talk. hmph! lol. im bored, sorta. lol. i have to leave for work in like........20 minutes. i want to go to frolics on saturday...i have this weekend off! isn't that great! i am thinking more and more that i am bi-polar. isn't that weird? im weird....i am gonna go now..i can't think of anything else to write. i wanna work at a bank when i grow up...
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ugh [May. 9th, 2003|04:59 pm]
[How Do I Feel? |crushedcrushed]
[The Perfect Song |"Stupid Girl" by Cold]

so like, hey to all that read this. i don't know if anyone does...besides my bestest friend in the whole wide world...but hi to all that might. so like...i have argued with my wonderful boyfriend like 5 times in the last twelve hours. is that a bad thing...or am i imagining it?! we argue about stupid things. first, i have a friend that he doesn't know, so i guess thats a problem. i didn't want to look imediatley for something that he wanted but doesn't need until like 3 days from now, so im assuming that is a problem too(with reason to assume). now...he doesn't like how i talk. so he tells me all about my bad quality's. i have never downed him. NEVER! he does it to me all the time. is that right? is that how a healthy relationship is supposed to be? am i wrong? ugh! i don't know wut to think or wut to do. i think i will maybe leave for now...find something to do...maybe i will go for a walk.
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heh...these lyrics are kool [May. 8th, 2003|02:06 am]
[How Do I Feel? |restlessrestless]
[The Perfect Song |(make something up and pretend it says that here)]

okay...now im really gonna leave.....:-D


"Seven Nation Army"

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

"Roulette" by System Of A Down

"I don't know how I feel when I'm around you"
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